Re-Reading What I've Written.....WHAT?

   I went back tonight and reread all my other blogs in the order I wrote them....I must say, they seemed much more complete in my head. LOL this is the way things go though, right? Oh, wait, maybe not for everyone......

  It really bothered me @ first, I set for what seemed like hours, agonizing over whether I should go back to each one and finish it. Finally I realized, them not being finished is more like me than I want to admit, and so, as hard as it was.....I let them be.

  It's kind of freeing  to admit to myself, that part of myself. My thoughts are always random, and almost nothing I say or do in my daily life is well thought out, and never thought out to the end.


 WHEW.......It's like a weight lifted, there it is, I said  it out loud, it's out there in Internet world now, black and white on the screen in front of me. Something that I should probably work on, but ahhhh, we'll cross that bridge another day.

  Wow, maybe this blog does help.

I WILL BE HAPPY TODAY! :)




APILL

To My Aunt:PATRICIA JO DOBBS AMICK

To My Aunt Pat:

   It was 2 years ago today you left us and I must say it's a gaping hole in my life. You meant so much to me. You were the one I went to with my problems and I miss talking to you so much. You also asked something of me if you were to pass on and I feel I've let you down.

  I hope you know I tried to keep my promise to you the best I could. It just wasn't possible. I will always feel as though I've failed you  in that aspect, but I tried my best. I hope you can forgive me for my failures.

  I think of you everyday. I miss you so much it hurts. You were a great person. A great aunt. Someone I could always go and talk to even at the end of your illness, you always were willing to listen and help see the up side, or, @  the very least, the other side of my situation. And you always stood up for Robbie, he misses you so much too! We talk about you and remember you all the time. I want you to know that.

  YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN!!!! YOU ARE LOVED AND MISSED DAILY, BY MANY!!!!!


IN LOVING MEMORY
PATRICIA JO DOBBS AMICK    <3 XOXOX


APILL

 

My LIL MAN Makes My Day! :-)

  So...I'm in the bathroom this a.m washing my face, brushing my teeth...etc.etc. and my lil man wakes up. He groggily walks to the bathroom and asks what I'm doing.  I tell him " Well bub, since momma has been puny this week, shes treating herself to a lil well deserved girl time to boost her spirits."

  He very matter-of-factly tells me " Momma even when your puny, you're beautiful! But you still deserve some "girl time" ( and he adds the air quotes, which makes it more it more adorable! ahhhh, melt a mothers heart! :)

@ THIS MOMENT IN TIME: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH A LOVING SON? THANK YOU LORD FOR BLESSING! <3

  Now, after my girl time, I might not think it's helped @ all, but my lil sees my beauty no matter what!
HOW CAN YOU FEEL BAD, KNOWING YOUR BLESSED TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO THINKS THAT MUCH OF YOU IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!


@ THIS MOMENT IN TIME:
THANK YOU LITTLE MAN, YOU MADE MOMMAS DAY! 
<3 YOU ALWAYS <3   XOXOX
YOU MADE MY SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2012 :-)
                                             <3  'n PEACE

APILL

P.S. THE PIC IS JUST FOR KICKS, I <3 JOHN LENNON, WHAT PEACEFUL PERSON, AND I'M TRYING TO TURN MY LIFE INTO A PEACEFUL LIFE........MAKE OF IT WHAT YOU WILL, I LOVE THE IT! XOXOX

LOOKING @ IT FROM BOTH SIDES

   Wow I didn't expect to be back so soon. But bit bitches deserve their props.


    In my own defense, I work  a full time job, on top of the bipolar, plus raise 2 kids, and am married. NO......I don't expect any medals, I just want it to be know that I try my VERY BEST.  I am not even close to perfect and fail more than soar.....but I digress  

     Wilma deserves props too. She's married and raising a very large blended family, I have no permission so I won't give detail other than to say less the half the parents are "around" She works for hours, has nothing but teenagers and a very energetic 5 year old.

    My point is just to say that everyone has trials and tribulations in their lives. And yes most people think theirs are worst than the next, I myself am guilty of this. Anybody reading this, if they're COMPLETELY HONEST, is guilty of this. It's human nature.

   Realizing whiling writing this, I hearby make a solemn promise to try and be more aware of this and make a conscious effort to be found guilty of this less often. PLEASE WISH ME LUCK :)

@ THIS MOMENT IN TIME: Maybe all this shit got dumped on me cuz I had to much 'WOE IS ME :/


PEACE & LOVE



APILL





   

   

WATCH WHAT YOU WISH FOR :(: (Different View Points)

  Today I had a somewhat life changing/ eye opening/ traumatic experience. I haven't decided yet, which to classify it under. I probably haven't had enough time to be putting out here like this, but there's so many thoughts going through my head that this is the best way to get it out. I figure as I ponder, it'll help to go back and see the way I viewed it @ certain points.

   For a few months now things between me and a few certain "special" people to me, for the sake of all this we'll call them Betty and Wilma, have been....STRAINED!

    I've been close to Wilma all my life, more like a sister than just a close family member. Betty.....not so much, she came into the picture by way of another family member.Wilma and I have always had our little girl tiffs.....no that's my toy......I liked him 1st....... and yes, even the occasional NO SHE'S MY FRIEND. Then there was the I don't like your boyfriend or I don't like your friend, ya get the picture, run of the mill shit.

    TODAY IT ALL CAME TO A HEAD WITH ME AND WILMA!


   Started with allot of screaming and yelling and hanging up the phone on my part.  Thinking back on it now, I realize more and more things that were said that I  wish I had defended myself against. Eventually the tempers flared down and we were able to catch about half of what we were each  spewing @ the other and from there, down to an amicable level.

    Where's Betty in all this? THE CENTER AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, I will say she's not the only issue, but she is definitely @ the eye of the storm.  I don't understand why Wilma can confront me in the WOW way that she did, and after hearing my side of the story ( THE RIGHT ONE!) Doesn't seem to show one iota of wanting to confront Betty.

   In all honesty it feels like my jury had convicted before my case had been heard. 


   @   This moment in time my thoughts are.....light side- waste of time
                                                                      heavy side- persecution


   The more I sit and get inside my head, the more ways I can find to twist different things in different ways. I know part of that comes with the being BIPOLAR. Some of it, but not all of it. The problem folks, it I don't know how to tell which from what.Where do my thoughts cross the lines from normal trails of 1 leads to 2 leads to 3 to leads purple leads to yellow leads to blue. And the even better question is who do I ask? I mean come on, who the fuck wants to follow a person around telling them when purple turns into 17 is and acceptable train of that for the situation they're currently in?

   If you  started reading this and your still with me, I think you from my heart.  It takes a type I'm told! :)
And I wonder in trying to prove my point I've probably veered a lil too far off the subject and getting very nervous as to  how I'm going to make it back........
That's ok tho, I'll just let it roll off, this my point off view @ this moment in time.....


Peace 'N Love

APILL









 
 

 

 

EMPTINESS

    I feel like I'm reaching out to people. Maybe I'm just a needy bitch.....maybe it's because I was an only child raised in a sea of sibling having cousins....Whatever the reason, no one ever seems to grasp the depth of warmth and love and want that I have for them. Or maybe they DO grasp it, they just don't return it to me. If that is the case,  I can accept it, I just wish they would bluntly put it to me so I would clearly know the problem.

    I think it's easier to accept the fact of feelings not being returned when you just straight up know that that is where you stand.

     I so long to know the feeling of having a sister to fucking fight to the death WITH one day and fight to the death FOR the next, without skipping a breath. I don't think people understand that emptiness.

     I don't understand the emptiness.




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GOOD MUSIC DAZE

   I just love it when I hit the power button on the radio,and the music is just kick ass, song after song. It just fits my mood to a "T". I sure y'all know what I'm talking about. There's nothing better. The only bad thing about a day like that is having to turn the radio off.

  Of course there are media's like "SPOTIFY" where you can create your own radio stations and star the songs the like and then go back later and make your own play list. HOW FLIPPIN' AWESOME IS THAT.
This really all I have to say on this subject, it's just a good feeling that I had to share it with anyone who might read this.

  I FUCKING LOVE MUSIC!!!!!



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SNARKY ASSHOLES

  I wish people just had the balls to say what they're gonna say to you, to you!!! Instead they make snarky comments hoping you'll get the point that it's intended for you, but wonder just enough not to confront them. NO BALLS I TELL YA NO BALLS!!! 9.5 times out of 10 if I got something to say to you that just what I'm going to do. What's the point of saying  anything at all unless you're going to say what you mean to whom it's intended for? Aw well, people, what are ya gonna do?

  I am getting tired of it though, especially when it almost always comes from what is supposed to be the people that are closest to you. If I confront them they just blow me off, I'm just on another one of my "Bipolar Sprees" as they've become known (behind my back). Yes, I am Bipolar, I also have normal, real emotion. I'm tired being treated like shit all the time and never having my feelings taken seriously just because of the Bipolar. My mental illness IS NOT an excuse all. FUCKING LEARN THAT!!!!!

  I need a new group (with 2 or 3 exceptions) of friends, and new family members ( and some of them I never in my life thought I would want to replace!) I makes me very sad to have come to this realization. I've stepped back from the situation and looked at from all sides and yes I am a part of the problem at times, but mostly, it's them.

  To want to lose family is a very hard emotion to deal with, so I am not dealing with it. I am going to drink and medicate it away.....and smoke it away, which is really just to say self medicate it away, but hey, whatever works right. Sorry for the flippant attitude folks, but it's the best I can do today.

SNARKY ASSHOLES!!!!


APILL

DEPRESSION

DEPRESSION DEPRESSION DEPRESSION


THAT'S ALL I GOT FOR ANYONE TODAY 


                              :(:                                            

My Story Pt 4

***DISCLAIMER, I MAY MENTION CERTAIN MEDICATIONS IN THIS PART OF MY STORY AND THE IGNORANT ASS THINGS I DID WITH THEM. I AM IN NO WAY ROMANTICIZING THESE THINGS. I STRONGLY ADVISE ANY AND ALL PEOPLE WHO READ THIS AGAINST TRYING ANYTHING I MENTION. IT TOTALLY FUCKED ME UP PERMANENTLY ! I'VE NEVER BEEN RIGHT SINCE!!!!!!***




    Where was I? Oh yes, I came out of hospital......I'm going to backtrack a bit here.

    What truly, honestly, put me in the hospital  (big deep breath, it hard to 'write this out loud') was my attempt at suicide.  I mentioned previously my letters to my husband, daughter, and son. I'm still going to gloss over that because to this day it's something I cannot talk about without breaking down completely.

    My husband woke one morning to go to work and found me lying in the living room floor. He tells at first he thought maybe I had gotten drunk, and that was where I had passed out. He went to help to bed, or the couch.....that's when he noticed the empty bottles of pills. THAT'S WHEN HE FREAKED OUT!!!  I had taken an entire script of Xanax, Seraquel, Tegratol, and Lexapro (all the meds I was on at the time) I'm thinking back on this now as I write, and realizing maybe there method to my madness, so to speak....ya know?

    I was having a VERY hard time dealing with being diagnosed as Bipolar, being on all these medication, and, I remember I hated hearing that fucking alarm go off everyday reminding it was time to another fucking pill. (Takes all the fun outta taking them to get high! :p, thank the LORD for marijuana!)

    I don't remember any of this, I only know what my wonderful husband tells. He tells after his initial freak out, he got me up and walked me around to rouse me abit and when he mentioned calling 911 I went ape shit on him. So....he called into work and took a week off to stay home and take care of me, and the kids, and keep my little secret from my parents and the rest of my family and our friends.

   There are bits and pieces I remember. I remember having to pee and when he helped to the bathroom I couldn't control my body. My entire body was in some type of convulsions. We made it to the bathroom and I made it onto the toilet and my husband still had to stand there and hold me on the toilet because of the convulsions, they were so bad I broke the toilet seat. I looked over and my baby son was standing at the bathroom door watching, I broke down.

    Skip ahead to the end of the week and I come out of the fog....I see triple everything, no more convulsions, but triple everything, and every time my eyes move to look at something else I get seriously dizzy and vomit, this goes on for 3 more days.  2 weeks later I'm in the nuthouse.

    It's absolutely embarrassing to write this and know that people out there might read it, but....it's also why I started this blog. This shit eats at me everyday, the things I've done, the embarrassment I feel, the humility. So maybe once I hit that publish button I'll some relief also. I hope so because theres more to my story. To me I've gotten the to worst memories out there, which are this one, and the nuthouse, but there's plenty of crazy left! TRUE STORY


   

APILL

I CAN'T EVEN TITLE THIS SHIT HERE!!!!

Ok, so yeah, I'm alot buzzed, but still...... BITCHES WILL BITCHES AND DICKS WILL DICKS.  Still, I ask you, is me callin' my daddy last night and breaking down and crying ( please keep in mind that I haven't seen him in almost 2 years and he lives 1,000 or more miles away) having a "pity party" for myself? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!!!!

  Anyways, it finally rained today!!! My brats and I were out there dancing in the rain for as long as it lasted  ( not sure how long that was)  That has to be the most fun we've had together as a family in month's, a FUCKING BLAST!!!! ;0)!!!

    We didn't take a vacation this year, but what vacation can beat something like that, am I right? To me @ least, it was the best feeling I've felt in forever, and it was pure fun. No irritation, no hustling from here to there, no early wake ups. Just us, the rain, laughter, puddles and pure FUN. THE BEST "VACATION" you can have. Spur of the moment.  Also, it set the mood for almost the rest of the day, which is always cool in my book! The only thing missing was a couple of songs it brougt to mind, which were....
     1. BLIND MELON: NO RAIN
     2:  KID CUDI:  PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS
     3:  ICE CUBE:  GOTTA SAY IT WAS A GOOD DAY


  I think the playlist pretty much says it all, but I got more to say. My day started out shit, bitches being bitches, pissin' me off like no other human's can. But here comes the rain, a 'lil dancin' with my brats, and all the other human bullshit goes away. I LOVE THAT!!! No matter what I can usually count on the brats to give me the smallest thing to make all the grown up bullshit fade to the background. I can't think of one single person in my life, other my two" horrible" brats  (;0)  who can make that happen, and for that gift that they are a able to give me on a daily basis, I THANK MY LORD (yes despite my many faults, I believe in THE AlMIGHTY)

  Anyways, it was an amazing day  for me, in a world of  trials and tribulations for other people, and I felt like I needed to share. Take from it what you can, but whatever it may be, I HOPE IT BRINGS YOU PEACE, JOY AND HAPPINESS. <3 TO ALL ;0)

APILL

QUASI-ROUTINE

  "DISTANCE MAKES THE HEART THE GROW FONDER", I wonder if that was meant to apply to my 10  and 8 year old? Well, it does!!! I cannot wait for them to go back to school. Don't get me wrong, I love my brats, but they really interfere with my day, being home all the time
  I want my quasi-routine back!!! Here's a little rundown for ya:

    1:  Off work @ 7a.m.
    2:  Arrive between 7:03 and 7:10
    3:  Ride the brats asses until they are finally ready for school ( just seconds before the bus is here to pick them up!)
    4:  A) Go to bed and sleep all day
         B) Get on Facebook
         C) Bake it up and see where the day goes from there.....
         D) Pop the top on a cold one and see where the day goes from there...

  Now, to y'all that probably sounds like bullshit, chaos, dysfunction...To me it comfort and familiarity and I WANT IT BACK!!!!!  Is it : SELFISH?  Yes  RESPONSIBLE?  Fuck No  It is, however, my comfortable routine. It's what I do Monday- Friday for 9 months outta of the year and I WANT IT FUCKING BACK!!!!


APILL


   

Things Flying Outta My Head

I was @ work last night ( I work the 3rd shift) and had an excellent idea of where I was going with what I've been telling whoever may have been reading this so far......I come home this morning after getting off and the damn idea has completely flown outta my head. That never used to happen to me, I do now, and always will from here on out blame it on all the stupid ass meds I am told I must take everyday to maintain some sort of normality to live in society and, more importantly, with my family, rather than in an institution. Well shit, suck it up, right? IT IS WHAT THE FUCK IT IS!!!   I am so glad to have discovered  'The Klonopin Chronicles' the chick rocks!!! Even on her bad days, she makes me feel better, wish I had that light in me. Wish in one hand.......Today has a bad feeling to it, anyone else? Any suggestions on how to turn it around? Come on man.....help a bitch out!!! To much shit flying out of  my head today, maybe I should just lock myself in my room and ignore the outside, yeah that sounds like THE plan for THIS day.

APILL

My Story pt 3

So....Okay, I'm now labeled.....I'm "BIPOLAR"  What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? It's all I can think, it's all that goes through my head. The way it's been explained to me, I now realize this is what other's were struggling through in my family. I heard the judgement and ridicule that went on behind their backs, ya know, what everyone was "REALLY!!" thinking about them. THEY WERE FUCKING CRAZY! Plain and simple, and I just knew that's what everyone was saying about me, too.  Only now there was no fighting them now, it was true, and you can't fight the truth.  Then everything blurrs again.....meth, meth, meth, alcohol, pills, alcohol, meth, weed, meth, alcohol, pills, meth, meth, pills, pills......etc., I think you get the picture I'm painting.......BANG!!! NUTHOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!   HERE I AM SMACK DAB IN ONE!!!! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!??? I WAS JUST ON THE OUTSIDE!?!?  I couldn't believe I was in this place. I couldn't focus on all the "get better" bullshit the proverbial "THEY" were shoving down my throat. There were people on the outside who knew me and those people now knew I was officially nutty, so nutty in fact that I was in the house of nuts.....oh my LORD, how in the hell was I ever gonna face any of them again. I spent that mother's day in the hospital. My mother and stepfather ( a wonderful guy) brought my husband and kids to see me. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Facing my kids when they were buzzed in, watching their little faces take in all the other fucking nuts.....to this day I still can feel the humiliation I thought I was feeling @ that moment.  Ruined me for any and all mother's days from there on out, sad I know, but don't cry for me! LOL.  I spent 14 days in the hospital, which isn't much  for most, but for me ( and this is my story and only my story please remember that) it was an eternity. When I was finally released, I had learned nothing about myself or the disease, I came out only with an even more exaggerated feeling of shame and embarrassment, and on some serious medications!! This is all I have time for tonite, I must now go to work. If  I've captured your curiosity, stay tuned, I'll get it all out, but like me, it's a work in progress.   Later.


APILL

My Story pt 2

This was all in 2003, the year is a blurr, lots of drugs, alcohol, and medications consumed. Where '03 ended and '04 began I don't know. 2004 is literally nonexistent in my brain @ this time.......20005, now that's a different drink altogether! BOTTOMS UP! :0) Somewhere in there though was one helluva kick ass New Years Eve Party, that must be said. 2005 was a banner year for the family though. The beginning is a blurr, but one event sticks out in my mind. That event is my pissing myself. Yes, PISSING MYSELF! Let me go back a few days. I'll begin with what I can piece together so many years later. At some point in the night I go home and throw a drink in my husbands face. I don't remember that, but sure as hell does! And, lemme just say, I don't fucking blame him!!!! Would you!?   The next thing I remember it's a week later and my husband   is handing me these "letters" that I wrote. They are mostly incoherent but the jest of them is......GOODBYE......they are suicide letters to my husband, daughter, son. THIS IS MY ROCK BOTTOM........Stay Tuned, More to Come


APILL

My Story pt. 1

Okay, so here I go getting shit outta my head. I was 23 when I got married. 3 months later I went totally fucking nuts and ran off with my husbands nephew, which, up to this point, was COMPLETELY out of character for me. As the next year came and went I had my 2nd child, and did things out of the norm for me with increasing regularity and they became increasingly wild and.....FRANTIC...., for lack of a better word. One day my husband came home and found me curled up in a ball, in the bathtub, with the shower spewing out ice cold water on me, as I chanted incoherently to myself. Well...let me tell you, this seemed a bit odd to us, maybe I needed to get some help, we said, ASAP! So off to the hospital we went. (Now, I should let you know that since this event I have found that manic depression runs rampant in both sides of my family) The Dr.'s immediately wanted to admit me to the dreaded 3rd floor (the nut ward) I would have none of that!!! I broke down, begging and pleading, screaming and yelling. Threatening to run out of the E.R.  Eventually after about 4 hours, I was able to talk the Dr. into letting go home by promising to go to our local nut spot and seek help (he pulled strings and got me an appt. the very next day) and both my husband and I promising I would not be left alone with my children until we knew what was going on. If not for the kids, and having a Dr. tell me he didn't think it was safe for them to be left alone with me I would never have sought help, but he did, and I did. I drug myself outta bed the next day (we had taken the brats to my aunts by this point) and made it to the appt. After two more appts. They told me the thing I never wanted to hear.....YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY BITCH!!!!!!! They said it in nicer words, and oh-so-soothing tones in their voices, but all I heard was.....YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY BITCH!!!!!  For the umpteenth time in the same fucking week, here I was, breaking down again. Damn, maybe they were right, because this is most definitely not how I normally act!!!! It was official:  BIPOLAR

Okay.....So .....Starting a blog is something I've wanted to do for awhile now. I have so much running through my head I need to get out. I've tried keeping a journal but it just doesn't cut it, sometimes I need a lil feedback and maybe after awhile, if I get the hang of this, I'll get some followers and start getting some, sometimes other ppls b.s. can be the best way to get some perspective on your own! For anyone who reads this, plz gimme sometime, as I'm sure you can see, this is my 1st time (blushing) lol, and this stuff sometimes takes me awhile to figure out.




APILL