My Story Pt 4

***DISCLAIMER, I MAY MENTION CERTAIN MEDICATIONS IN THIS PART OF MY STORY AND THE IGNORANT ASS THINGS I DID WITH THEM. I AM IN NO WAY ROMANTICIZING THESE THINGS. I STRONGLY ADVISE ANY AND ALL PEOPLE WHO READ THIS AGAINST TRYING ANYTHING I MENTION. IT TOTALLY FUCKED ME UP PERMANENTLY ! I'VE NEVER BEEN RIGHT SINCE!!!!!!***




    Where was I? Oh yes, I came out of hospital......I'm going to backtrack a bit here.

    What truly, honestly, put me in the hospital  (big deep breath, it hard to 'write this out loud') was my attempt at suicide.  I mentioned previously my letters to my husband, daughter, and son. I'm still going to gloss over that because to this day it's something I cannot talk about without breaking down completely.

    My husband woke one morning to go to work and found me lying in the living room floor. He tells at first he thought maybe I had gotten drunk, and that was where I had passed out. He went to help to bed, or the couch.....that's when he noticed the empty bottles of pills. THAT'S WHEN HE FREAKED OUT!!!  I had taken an entire script of Xanax, Seraquel, Tegratol, and Lexapro (all the meds I was on at the time) I'm thinking back on this now as I write, and realizing maybe there method to my madness, so to speak....ya know?

    I was having a VERY hard time dealing with being diagnosed as Bipolar, being on all these medication, and, I remember I hated hearing that fucking alarm go off everyday reminding it was time to another fucking pill. (Takes all the fun outta taking them to get high! :p, thank the LORD for marijuana!)

    I don't remember any of this, I only know what my wonderful husband tells. He tells after his initial freak out, he got me up and walked me around to rouse me abit and when he mentioned calling 911 I went ape shit on him. So....he called into work and took a week off to stay home and take care of me, and the kids, and keep my little secret from my parents and the rest of my family and our friends.

   There are bits and pieces I remember. I remember having to pee and when he helped to the bathroom I couldn't control my body. My entire body was in some type of convulsions. We made it to the bathroom and I made it onto the toilet and my husband still had to stand there and hold me on the toilet because of the convulsions, they were so bad I broke the toilet seat. I looked over and my baby son was standing at the bathroom door watching, I broke down.

    Skip ahead to the end of the week and I come out of the fog....I see triple everything, no more convulsions, but triple everything, and every time my eyes move to look at something else I get seriously dizzy and vomit, this goes on for 3 more days.  2 weeks later I'm in the nuthouse.

    It's absolutely embarrassing to write this and know that people out there might read it, but....it's also why I started this blog. This shit eats at me everyday, the things I've done, the embarrassment I feel, the humility. So maybe once I hit that publish button I'll some relief also. I hope so because theres more to my story. To me I've gotten the to worst memories out there, which are this one, and the nuthouse, but there's plenty of crazy left! TRUE STORY


   

APILL