for my lil man

I've been re-reading some of the blogs from my favs (shoutout to @MinaKloni.
pina:) and one blog led me to another, led me to another, you see where I'm goin' here.
Here lately I've become increasingly worried and attuned to the fact that my 8 yr old son may very possibly be bipolar. Then again, am I. maybe a little to sensitive to the signs because I so badly DON'T want them to be there? More time has gone by and they are, time to fire my ass into action and get something done for my kid! In this town you're kids don't get help unless u set a fire under the people asses who are sussposed to be doing it....so my problems all aside for the time being until my Lil man gets the help he needs. I can do this before the damn bipolar diagnoses I got shit done and I know that bitch is still inside me buried under these god dam meds somewhere so here we go starting today.....there ya go klonnieyou're ent on to touch me.....plz ppl give me the strength i used to have cause my lil man deserves a better life than what he's headed for in this Podunk town with someone to stand up for him!
A IT IS Gonna be his momma!!!!

APILL

Re-Reading What I've Written.....WHAT?

   I went back tonight and reread all my other blogs in the order I wrote them....I must say, they seemed much more complete in my head. LOL this is the way things go though, right? Oh, wait, maybe not for everyone......

  It really bothered me @ first, I set for what seemed like hours, agonizing over whether I should go back to each one and finish it. Finally I realized, them not being finished is more like me than I want to admit, and so, as hard as it was.....I let them be.

  It's kind of freeing  to admit to myself, that part of myself. My thoughts are always random, and almost nothing I say or do in my daily life is well thought out, and never thought out to the end.


 WHEW.......It's like a weight lifted, there it is, I said  it out loud, it's out there in Internet world now, black and white on the screen in front of me. Something that I should probably work on, but ahhhh, we'll cross that bridge another day.

  Wow, maybe this blog does help.

I WILL BE HAPPY TODAY! :)




APILL

To My Aunt:PATRICIA JO DOBBS AMICK

To My Aunt Pat:

   It was 2 years ago today you left us and I must say it's a gaping hole in my life. You meant so much to me. You were the one I went to with my problems and I miss talking to you so much. You also asked something of me if you were to pass on and I feel I've let you down.

  I hope you know I tried to keep my promise to you the best I could. It just wasn't possible. I will always feel as though I've failed you  in that aspect, but I tried my best. I hope you can forgive me for my failures.

  I think of you everyday. I miss you so much it hurts. You were a great person. A great aunt. Someone I could always go and talk to even at the end of your illness, you always were willing to listen and help see the up side, or, @  the very least, the other side of my situation. And you always stood up for Robbie, he misses you so much too! We talk about you and remember you all the time. I want you to know that.

  YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN!!!! YOU ARE LOVED AND MISSED DAILY, BY MANY!!!!!


IN LOVING MEMORY
PATRICIA JO DOBBS AMICK    <3 XOXOX


APILL

 

My LIL MAN Makes My Day! :-)

  So...I'm in the bathroom this a.m washing my face, brushing my teeth...etc.etc. and my lil man wakes up. He groggily walks to the bathroom and asks what I'm doing.  I tell him " Well bub, since momma has been puny this week, shes treating herself to a lil well deserved girl time to boost her spirits."

  He very matter-of-factly tells me " Momma even when your puny, you're beautiful! But you still deserve some "girl time" ( and he adds the air quotes, which makes it more it more adorable! ahhhh, melt a mothers heart! :)

@ THIS MOMENT IN TIME: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH A LOVING SON? THANK YOU LORD FOR BLESSING! <3

  Now, after my girl time, I might not think it's helped @ all, but my lil sees my beauty no matter what!
HOW CAN YOU FEEL BAD, KNOWING YOUR BLESSED TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO THINKS THAT MUCH OF YOU IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!


@ THIS MOMENT IN TIME:
THANK YOU LITTLE MAN, YOU MADE MOMMAS DAY! 
<3 YOU ALWAYS <3   XOXOX
YOU MADE MY SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2012 :-)
                                             <3  'n PEACE

APILL

P.S. THE PIC IS JUST FOR KICKS, I <3 JOHN LENNON, WHAT PEACEFUL PERSON, AND I'M TRYING TO TURN MY LIFE INTO A PEACEFUL LIFE........MAKE OF IT WHAT YOU WILL, I LOVE THE IT! XOXOX

LOOKING @ IT FROM BOTH SIDES

   Wow I didn't expect to be back so soon. But bit bitches deserve their props.


    In my own defense, I work  a full time job, on top of the bipolar, plus raise 2 kids, and am married. NO......I don't expect any medals, I just want it to be know that I try my VERY BEST.  I am not even close to perfect and fail more than soar.....but I digress  

     Wilma deserves props too. She's married and raising a very large blended family, I have no permission so I won't give detail other than to say less the half the parents are "around" She works for hours, has nothing but teenagers and a very energetic 5 year old.

    My point is just to say that everyone has trials and tribulations in their lives. And yes most people think theirs are worst than the next, I myself am guilty of this. Anybody reading this, if they're COMPLETELY HONEST, is guilty of this. It's human nature.

   Realizing whiling writing this, I hearby make a solemn promise to try and be more aware of this and make a conscious effort to be found guilty of this less often. PLEASE WISH ME LUCK :)

@ THIS MOMENT IN TIME: Maybe all this shit got dumped on me cuz I had to much 'WOE IS ME :/


PEACE & LOVE



APILL





   

   

WATCH WHAT YOU WISH FOR :(: (Different View Points)

  Today I had a somewhat life changing/ eye opening/ traumatic experience. I haven't decided yet, which to classify it under. I probably haven't had enough time to be putting out here like this, but there's so many thoughts going through my head that this is the best way to get it out. I figure as I ponder, it'll help to go back and see the way I viewed it @ certain points.

   For a few months now things between me and a few certain "special" people to me, for the sake of all this we'll call them Betty and Wilma, have been....STRAINED!

    I've been close to Wilma all my life, more like a sister than just a close family member. Betty.....not so much, she came into the picture by way of another family member.Wilma and I have always had our little girl tiffs.....no that's my toy......I liked him 1st....... and yes, even the occasional NO SHE'S MY FRIEND. Then there was the I don't like your boyfriend or I don't like your friend, ya get the picture, run of the mill shit.

    TODAY IT ALL CAME TO A HEAD WITH ME AND WILMA!


   Started with allot of screaming and yelling and hanging up the phone on my part.  Thinking back on it now, I realize more and more things that were said that I  wish I had defended myself against. Eventually the tempers flared down and we were able to catch about half of what we were each  spewing @ the other and from there, down to an amicable level.

    Where's Betty in all this? THE CENTER AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, I will say she's not the only issue, but she is definitely @ the eye of the storm.  I don't understand why Wilma can confront me in the WOW way that she did, and after hearing my side of the story ( THE RIGHT ONE!) Doesn't seem to show one iota of wanting to confront Betty.

   In all honesty it feels like my jury had convicted before my case had been heard. 


   @   This moment in time my thoughts are.....light side- waste of time
                                                                      heavy side- persecution


   The more I sit and get inside my head, the more ways I can find to twist different things in different ways. I know part of that comes with the being BIPOLAR. Some of it, but not all of it. The problem folks, it I don't know how to tell which from what.Where do my thoughts cross the lines from normal trails of 1 leads to 2 leads to 3 to leads purple leads to yellow leads to blue. And the even better question is who do I ask? I mean come on, who the fuck wants to follow a person around telling them when purple turns into 17 is and acceptable train of that for the situation they're currently in?

   If you  started reading this and your still with me, I think you from my heart.  It takes a type I'm told! :)
And I wonder in trying to prove my point I've probably veered a lil too far off the subject and getting very nervous as to  how I'm going to make it back........
That's ok tho, I'll just let it roll off, this my point off view @ this moment in time.....


Peace 'N Love

APILL









 
 

 

 

EMPTINESS

    I feel like I'm reaching out to people. Maybe I'm just a needy bitch.....maybe it's because I was an only child raised in a sea of sibling having cousins....Whatever the reason, no one ever seems to grasp the depth of warmth and love and want that I have for them. Or maybe they DO grasp it, they just don't return it to me. If that is the case,  I can accept it, I just wish they would bluntly put it to me so I would clearly know the problem.

    I think it's easier to accept the fact of feelings not being returned when you just straight up know that that is where you stand.

     I so long to know the feeling of having a sister to fucking fight to the death WITH one day and fight to the death FOR the next, without skipping a breath. I don't think people understand that emptiness.

     I don't understand the emptiness.




APILL