I just love it when I hit the power button on the radio,and the music is just kick ass, song after song. It just fits my mood to a "T". I sure y'all know what I'm talking about. There's nothing better. The only bad thing about a day like that is having to turn the radio off.
Of course there are media's like "SPOTIFY" where you can create your own radio stations and star the songs the like and then go back later and make your own play list. HOW FLIPPIN' AWESOME IS THAT.
This really all I have to say on this subject, it's just a good feeling that I had to share it with anyone who might read this.
I FUCKING LOVE MUSIC!!!!!
APILL
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
SNARKY ASSHOLES
I wish people just had the balls to say what they're gonna say to you, to you!!! Instead they make snarky comments hoping you'll get the point that it's intended for you, but wonder just enough not to confront them. NO BALLS I TELL YA NO BALLS!!! 9.5 times out of 10 if I got something to say to you that just what I'm going to do. What's the point of saying anything at all unless you're going to say what you mean to whom it's intended for? Aw well, people, what are ya gonna do?
I am getting tired of it though, especially when it almost always comes from what is supposed to be the people that are closest to you. If I confront them they just blow me off, I'm just on another one of my "Bipolar Sprees" as they've become known (behind my back). Yes, I am Bipolar, I also have normal, real emotion. I'm tired being treated like shit all the time and never having my feelings taken seriously just because of the Bipolar. My mental illness IS NOT an excuse all. FUCKING LEARN THAT!!!!!
I need a new group (with 2 or 3 exceptions) of friends, and new family members ( and some of them I never in my life thought I would want to replace!) I makes me very sad to have come to this realization. I've stepped back from the situation and looked at from all sides and yes I am a part of the problem at times, but mostly, it's them.
To want to lose family is a very hard emotion to deal with, so I am not dealing with it. I am going to drink and medicate it away.....and smoke it away, which is really just to say self medicate it away, but hey, whatever works right. Sorry for the flippant attitude folks, but it's the best I can do today.
SNARKY ASSHOLES!!!!
APILL
I am getting tired of it though, especially when it almost always comes from what is supposed to be the people that are closest to you. If I confront them they just blow me off, I'm just on another one of my "Bipolar Sprees" as they've become known (behind my back). Yes, I am Bipolar, I also have normal, real emotion. I'm tired being treated like shit all the time and never having my feelings taken seriously just because of the Bipolar. My mental illness IS NOT an excuse all. FUCKING LEARN THAT!!!!!
I need a new group (with 2 or 3 exceptions) of friends, and new family members ( and some of them I never in my life thought I would want to replace!) I makes me very sad to have come to this realization. I've stepped back from the situation and looked at from all sides and yes I am a part of the problem at times, but mostly, it's them.
To want to lose family is a very hard emotion to deal with, so I am not dealing with it. I am going to drink and medicate it away.....and smoke it away, which is really just to say self medicate it away, but hey, whatever works right. Sorry for the flippant attitude folks, but it's the best I can do today.
SNARKY ASSHOLES!!!!
APILL
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
My Story Pt 4
***DISCLAIMER, I MAY MENTION CERTAIN MEDICATIONS IN THIS PART OF MY STORY AND THE IGNORANT ASS THINGS I DID WITH THEM. I AM IN NO WAY ROMANTICIZING THESE THINGS. I STRONGLY ADVISE ANY AND ALL PEOPLE WHO READ THIS AGAINST TRYING ANYTHING I MENTION. IT TOTALLY FUCKED ME UP PERMANENTLY ! I'VE NEVER BEEN RIGHT SINCE!!!!!!***
Where was I? Oh yes, I came out of hospital......I'm going to backtrack a bit here.
What truly, honestly, put me in the hospital (big deep breath, it hard to 'write this out loud') was my attempt at suicide. I mentioned previously my letters to my husband, daughter, and son. I'm still going to gloss over that because to this day it's something I cannot talk about without breaking down completely.
My husband woke one morning to go to work and found me lying in the living room floor. He tells at first he thought maybe I had gotten drunk, and that was where I had passed out. He went to help to bed, or the couch.....that's when he noticed the empty bottles of pills. THAT'S WHEN HE FREAKED OUT!!! I had taken an entire script of Xanax, Seraquel, Tegratol, and Lexapro (all the meds I was on at the time) I'm thinking back on this now as I write, and realizing maybe there method to my madness, so to speak....ya know?
I was having a VERY hard time dealing with being diagnosed as Bipolar, being on all these medication, and, I remember I hated hearing that fucking alarm go off everyday reminding it was time to another fucking pill. (Takes all the fun outta taking them to get high! :p, thank the LORD for marijuana!)
I don't remember any of this, I only know what my wonderful husband tells. He tells after his initial freak out, he got me up and walked me around to rouse me abit and when he mentioned calling 911 I went ape shit on him. So....he called into work and took a week off to stay home and take care of me, and the kids, and keep my little secret from my parents and the rest of my family and our friends.
There are bits and pieces I remember. I remember having to pee and when he helped to the bathroom I couldn't control my body. My entire body was in some type of convulsions. We made it to the bathroom and I made it onto the toilet and my husband still had to stand there and hold me on the toilet because of the convulsions, they were so bad I broke the toilet seat. I looked over and my baby son was standing at the bathroom door watching, I broke down.
Skip ahead to the end of the week and I come out of the fog....I see triple everything, no more convulsions, but triple everything, and every time my eyes move to look at something else I get seriously dizzy and vomit, this goes on for 3 more days. 2 weeks later I'm in the nuthouse.
It's absolutely embarrassing to write this and know that people out there might read it, but....it's also why I started this blog. This shit eats at me everyday, the things I've done, the embarrassment I feel, the humility. So maybe once I hit that publish button I'll some relief also. I hope so because theres more to my story. To me I've gotten the to worst memories out there, which are this one, and the nuthouse, but there's plenty of crazy left! TRUE STORY
APILL
Where was I? Oh yes, I came out of hospital......I'm going to backtrack a bit here.
What truly, honestly, put me in the hospital (big deep breath, it hard to 'write this out loud') was my attempt at suicide. I mentioned previously my letters to my husband, daughter, and son. I'm still going to gloss over that because to this day it's something I cannot talk about without breaking down completely.
My husband woke one morning to go to work and found me lying in the living room floor. He tells at first he thought maybe I had gotten drunk, and that was where I had passed out. He went to help to bed, or the couch.....that's when he noticed the empty bottles of pills. THAT'S WHEN HE FREAKED OUT!!! I had taken an entire script of Xanax, Seraquel, Tegratol, and Lexapro (all the meds I was on at the time) I'm thinking back on this now as I write, and realizing maybe there method to my madness, so to speak....ya know?
I was having a VERY hard time dealing with being diagnosed as Bipolar, being on all these medication, and, I remember I hated hearing that fucking alarm go off everyday reminding it was time to another fucking pill. (Takes all the fun outta taking them to get high! :p, thank the LORD for marijuana!)
I don't remember any of this, I only know what my wonderful husband tells. He tells after his initial freak out, he got me up and walked me around to rouse me abit and when he mentioned calling 911 I went ape shit on him. So....he called into work and took a week off to stay home and take care of me, and the kids, and keep my little secret from my parents and the rest of my family and our friends.
There are bits and pieces I remember. I remember having to pee and when he helped to the bathroom I couldn't control my body. My entire body was in some type of convulsions. We made it to the bathroom and I made it onto the toilet and my husband still had to stand there and hold me on the toilet because of the convulsions, they were so bad I broke the toilet seat. I looked over and my baby son was standing at the bathroom door watching, I broke down.
Skip ahead to the end of the week and I come out of the fog....I see triple everything, no more convulsions, but triple everything, and every time my eyes move to look at something else I get seriously dizzy and vomit, this goes on for 3 more days. 2 weeks later I'm in the nuthouse.
It's absolutely embarrassing to write this and know that people out there might read it, but....it's also why I started this blog. This shit eats at me everyday, the things I've done, the embarrassment I feel, the humility. So maybe once I hit that publish button I'll some relief also. I hope so because theres more to my story. To me I've gotten the to worst memories out there, which are this one, and the nuthouse, but there's plenty of crazy left! TRUE STORY
APILL
Sunday, July 29, 2012
I CAN'T EVEN TITLE THIS SHIT HERE!!!!
Ok, so yeah, I'm alot buzzed, but still...... BITCHES WILL BITCHES AND DICKS WILL DICKS. Still, I ask you, is me callin' my daddy last night and breaking down and crying ( please keep in mind that I haven't seen him in almost 2 years and he lives 1,000 or more miles away) having a "pity party" for myself? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!!!!
Anyways, it finally rained today!!! My brats and I were out there dancing in the rain for as long as it lasted ( not sure how long that was) That has to be the most fun we've had together as a family in month's, a FUCKING BLAST!!!! ;0)!!!
We didn't take a vacation this year, but what vacation can beat something like that, am I right? To me @ least, it was the best feeling I've felt in forever, and it was pure fun. No irritation, no hustling from here to there, no early wake ups. Just us, the rain, laughter, puddles and pure FUN. THE BEST "VACATION" you can have. Spur of the moment. Also, it set the mood for almost the rest of the day, which is always cool in my book! The only thing missing was a couple of songs it brougt to mind, which were....
1. BLIND MELON: NO RAIN
2: KID CUDI: PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS
3: ICE CUBE: GOTTA SAY IT WAS A GOOD DAY
I think the playlist pretty much says it all, but I got more to say. My day started out shit, bitches being bitches, pissin' me off like no other human's can. But here comes the rain, a 'lil dancin' with my brats, and all the other human bullshit goes away. I LOVE THAT!!! No matter what I can usually count on the brats to give me the smallest thing to make all the grown up bullshit fade to the background. I can't think of one single person in my life, other my two" horrible" brats (;0) who can make that happen, and for that gift that they are a able to give me on a daily basis, I THANK MY LORD (yes despite my many faults, I believe in THE AlMIGHTY)
Anyways, it was an amazing day for me, in a world of trials and tribulations for other people, and I felt like I needed to share. Take from it what you can, but whatever it may be, I HOPE IT BRINGS YOU PEACE, JOY AND HAPPINESS. <3 TO ALL ;0)
APILL
Anyways, it finally rained today!!! My brats and I were out there dancing in the rain for as long as it lasted ( not sure how long that was) That has to be the most fun we've had together as a family in month's, a FUCKING BLAST!!!! ;0)!!!
We didn't take a vacation this year, but what vacation can beat something like that, am I right? To me @ least, it was the best feeling I've felt in forever, and it was pure fun. No irritation, no hustling from here to there, no early wake ups. Just us, the rain, laughter, puddles and pure FUN. THE BEST "VACATION" you can have. Spur of the moment. Also, it set the mood for almost the rest of the day, which is always cool in my book! The only thing missing was a couple of songs it brougt to mind, which were....
1. BLIND MELON: NO RAIN
2: KID CUDI: PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS
3: ICE CUBE: GOTTA SAY IT WAS A GOOD DAY
I think the playlist pretty much says it all, but I got more to say. My day started out shit, bitches being bitches, pissin' me off like no other human's can. But here comes the rain, a 'lil dancin' with my brats, and all the other human bullshit goes away. I LOVE THAT!!! No matter what I can usually count on the brats to give me the smallest thing to make all the grown up bullshit fade to the background. I can't think of one single person in my life, other my two" horrible" brats (;0) who can make that happen, and for that gift that they are a able to give me on a daily basis, I THANK MY LORD (yes despite my many faults, I believe in THE AlMIGHTY)
Anyways, it was an amazing day for me, in a world of trials and tribulations for other people, and I felt like I needed to share. Take from it what you can, but whatever it may be, I HOPE IT BRINGS YOU PEACE, JOY AND HAPPINESS. <3 TO ALL ;0)
APILL
Saturday, July 28, 2012
QUASI-ROUTINE
"DISTANCE MAKES THE HEART THE GROW FONDER", I wonder if that was meant to apply to my 10 and 8 year old? Well, it does!!! I cannot wait for them to go back to school. Don't get me wrong, I love my brats, but they really interfere with my day, being home all the time
I want my quasi-routine back!!! Here's a little rundown for ya:
1: Off work @ 7a.m.
2: Arrive between 7:03 and 7:10
3: Ride the brats asses until they are finally ready for school ( just seconds before the bus is here to pick them up!)
4: A) Go to bed and sleep all day
B) Get on Facebook
C) Bake it up and see where the day goes from there.....
D) Pop the top on a cold one and see where the day goes from there...
Now, to y'all that probably sounds like bullshit, chaos, dysfunction...To me it comfort and familiarity and I WANT IT BACK!!!!! Is it : SELFISH? Yes RESPONSIBLE? Fuck No It is, however, my comfortable routine. It's what I do Monday- Friday for 9 months outta of the year and I WANT IT FUCKING BACK!!!!
APILL
I want my quasi-routine back!!! Here's a little rundown for ya:
1: Off work @ 7a.m.
2: Arrive between 7:03 and 7:10
3: Ride the brats asses until they are finally ready for school ( just seconds before the bus is here to pick them up!)
4: A) Go to bed and sleep all day
B) Get on Facebook
C) Bake it up and see where the day goes from there.....
D) Pop the top on a cold one and see where the day goes from there...
Now, to y'all that probably sounds like bullshit, chaos, dysfunction...To me it comfort and familiarity and I WANT IT BACK!!!!! Is it : SELFISH? Yes RESPONSIBLE? Fuck No It is, however, my comfortable routine. It's what I do Monday- Friday for 9 months outta of the year and I WANT IT FUCKING BACK!!!!
APILL
Friday, July 27, 2012
Things Flying Outta My Head
I was @ work last night ( I work the 3rd shift) and had an excellent idea of where I was going with what I've been telling whoever may have been reading this so far......I come home this morning after getting off and the damn idea has completely flown outta my head. That never used to happen to me, I do now, and always will from here on out blame it on all the stupid ass meds I am told I must take everyday to maintain some sort of normality to live in society and, more importantly, with my family, rather than in an institution. Well shit, suck it up, right? IT IS WHAT THE FUCK IT IS!!! I am so glad to have discovered 'The Klonopin Chronicles' the chick rocks!!! Even on her bad days, she makes me feel better, wish I had that light in me. Wish in one hand.......Today has a bad feeling to it, anyone else? Any suggestions on how to turn it around? Come on man.....help a bitch out!!! To much shit flying out of my head today, maybe I should just lock myself in my room and ignore the outside, yeah that sounds like THE plan for THIS day.
APILL
APILL
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